Fullmetal Parodies
by VorticalFiveStudios
Summary: The cast of Fullmetal Alchemist stars in various parodies! Chapters 5-7: Holiday Plans. Mustang is forced to go on vacation, and the Elrics are temporarily relocated to somewhere else in the spirit of the season. What could possibly go wrong? Based on scenes from Red vs Blue!
1. Chapter 1

**Fullmetal Parodies Chapter 1- Fourth of July PSA**

_Disclaimer- The following is a non-profit fanfiction. I do not own anything._

The scene starts as the camera zooms in on a man wearing a blue military uniform, and a teen with a red coat. The man in blue smiles and says, "Hi. My name is Roy Mustang from the popular anime, Fullmetal Alchemist."

"And I'm Edward Elric from the same show," Ed says. "Today, we're here to talk about-"

"I'm here! I'm here!" a voice yelled from offstage. Suddenly, a suit of armor ran up beside them. "Sorry I'm late!"

A look of irritation was seen on Roy's face. "Alphonse, what the hell!?"

"Huh?"

"You were supposed to be painted white so we would be red, white, and blue! This isn't very patriotic!"

"That reminds me," Ed said. "Why are we doing this again?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well, we're not in America for starters. We're in Amestris. We don't even have Independence Day here."

"...Shut up. You're doing this or you're not getting paid."

"We're not getting paid either way," Al chimed in.

"You're not helping! Read your lines for once, and don't screw up! Now where was I? Oh yeah. Hi. My name is Roy Mustang. And these two boys are the Elric brothers, Edward and Alphonse Elric."

"Wait a second. Why do you get to introduce yourself, but we can't introduce ourselves?"

"Not cool, Mustang. Not cool at all."

"STICK TO THE SCRIPT OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL MAKE BOTH OF YOU DISINTEGRATE! Now as I was saying a very popular holiday is coming up soon. It's called the Fourth of July, or as it's more commonly known as, Independence Day."

"Most of you will probably take this opportunity to enjoy your wiener," Ed said.

"I wish I could!" Al shouted.

"But the real reason we celebrate the Fourth of July isn't for the food or the fun or even the picnics and nonstop binge drinking."

"What?"

"Theres only one true reason we celebrate this very important day. It's to have a lot of explosions."

"Hooray! Fireworks day!"

"Kick ass! I've still got three fingers left from last year!"

"So, in preparation for the big day, we have assembled a short list of safety tips to hopefully make your holiday explosions both safe and enjoyable for your whole family. Lets watch as Ed and Al demonstrate some common mistakes to avoid, when handling fireworks."

"This will most likely end up physically and mentally damaging me beyond repair isn't it?"

_Safety Tip #1: Never play with fireworks indoors_

"Hey there brother!" Al said to his brother. "Check out this awesome sparkler! It is even more fun, because we are playing with it, inside!"

"Wait, that's not a sparkler! That's a grenade!"

"Don't worry. We are completely safe. All of the doors are locked from the outside, so we cannot escape! Oh wait a minute..."

**KABOOM!**

_Safety Tip #2: Never play with fireworks near an open flame_

"Hey there brother!" Al said as he stood in front of grill, wearing an apron that said '_KISS THE COOK_'. "How do you like your meat? Well done, or pink and juicy?"

"I'll take that fuzzy glowing hamburger please."

"Hey, that's not a hamburger! That's a grenade!"

"I know! I switched them when you weren't looking! Maybe I shouldn't have done that..."

**KABOOM!**

_Safety Tip #3: Never put fireworks in your pants_

"Hey there brother! Have you seen my grenade?"

"Yes! I put it in my pants! Wait..."

**KABOOM!**

_Safety Tip #4: Never aim fireworks at your friends_

"Hey there brother! Whats that you have in your hands!?" Al shouts from a distance.

"Its my new flare gun! Wanna try it out!?"

"Totally! Just don't point it directly at me when firing it!"

"Ok! And I promise I won't forget whatever it is you just said!" Everything is silent... And then Ed accidentally fires the gun when it's pointed at his younger brother. "Sorry! I forgot what you said!"

**KABOOM!**

"Ok!" Roy said. "And end scene! Now I hope you all learned a lot about fireworks, and maybe even a little bit about yourself."

Behind him, Ed and Al accidentally activate a grenade. "Oh crap!" Ed said.

"This is bad!" Al said.

"Running time!" Ed drops the grenade next to Mustang, and the two brothers run away.

"Oh yeah! I almost forgot to mention the most important safety tip! If you have children, or even very stupid adults around, never ever let them play with fireworks, without proper supervision." After that, he finally hears the hissing sound of the grenade next to him. "Hey, whats that noise?"

**KABOOM!**

"ELRIC!"

"Envy did it!"

"What are you talking about!?" Envy called from offstage. "I wasn't even in this chapter!"

"Happy fireworks day everybody!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Fullmetal Parodies Chapter 2- Burn, Baby, Burn!**

_Disclaimer- The following is a non-profit fanfiction. I do not own anything._

_Warning- Don't take anything said in this fanfic seriously._

Once again, the camera zooms in on two people. One was a man in a blue military uniform, and the other was a teenager in a red coat. "Why hello," the man in blue said. "I'm Roy Mustang from the popular anime, Fullmetal Alchemist."

"And I'm Edward Elric from the same show. Recently, the fireworks we set off started a huge fire that almost burned down all of Central City."

"It was a pretty big problem."

"So, we here at Central Command, and the judge, thought it would be a valuable service to the community if we made a PSA describing what we learned from the event. Oh yeah, and we somehow got a few of the homunculi to help us."

"So today, we'll be presenting Fullmetal Alchemist's fire safety tips. Guest starring Envy and Gluttony."

"Some of you might be asking yourself 'What is fire?' If you truly are asking that, it's because you're a moron. You're probably asking other things like 'What am the sky?' Or 'How does eat food?' Even cavemen knew what fire was, dumb ass."

"And sure, you might know what fire is, but can you tell if something you own is on fire? You should look for the following signs. One is smoke, two is heat, and three is fire. Things that are on fire usually have fire on them. It's a dead give away."

"So exactly what do you do if you are actually caught in a fire? We've assemble a quick list of instructions for you to remember in case you ever find yourself in a raging inferno."

"Step one... Panic. Any modern scientist will tell you that fire requires an oxygen environment in order to burn. And the same scientist will tell you that the human body expels carbon dioxide with every breath. So screaming and panicking will take away a flame's vital nutrients, which in turn, puts it out."

"This tactic will vary depending on the size of the fire. A very small fire will only require a minor amount of panic."

_SCENARIO 1_

Gluttony looked at the fire and said, "I am somewhat concerned that we will run out of waffles soon." And the flames went out.

_SUCCESS!_

"A medium-sized fire will require a moderate level of panic."

_SCENARIO 2_

Gluttony looked at the slightly larger fire in front of him. "Did you hear that the swine flu is in Australia now? That can't be good." And the flames went out.

_SUCCESS!_

"And for a really large fire..."

_SCENARIO 3_

"I JUST WATCHED THE CABLE NEWS CHANNEL!" Gluttony screamed as he ran around, his whole body covered in flames. "EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE!"

_FAILURE!_

"Clearly not enough panic. At this point, I would suggest looking up the scariest crap ever. Just search the term 'Mayan Calender' if you don't live in a time past 2012."

"Being a flame alchemist myself, I am nearly a master of fire. But if I snap my fingers by accident, things go south very fast."

"Also, you may have heard the phrase 'Where there's smoke, theres fire.' But in reality, smoke is where fire used to be. It only indicates the absence of fire."

"So remember if you're in a fire, head directly for the smoke."

"Climb on the ceiling if you have to."

"Also, statistics show that almost all fires take place in building, but only a very small fraction happen in a vehicle."

"So if your home catches fire, just head to your garage and get in your car. Wait there for help."

The camera cuts to Gluttony running away from a fire, but stops to get in a car. "Ah... Now this is much cooler."

"Statistically you're far less likely to be injured."

"But exactly what happens if you can't get up above the fire and into the smoke? Or if you're unable to safely reach your vehicle? You're probably wondering, 'What happens if I catch on fire?' This is a dangerous situation."

"So, we've set up these dummies to show what happens when a person catches fire."

The camera shows a row of four dummies that all looked like Envy... Well actually, three dummies and the real Envy. "W-wait a second," Envy said. "I'm actually real!"

"Shut up, dummy!" Mustang yelled as he snapped his fingers, lighting the homunculus on fire. As Envy screamed and ran around, he passed some of the flames on to the other dummies.

"Fire is bad in high concentration so you're gonna want to get rid of it as quickly as possible. Try putting the flames out by spreading them to as many people and objects as possible."

Envy passes the car Gluttony is in, and lights the vehicle on fire. "Thanks!" Gluttony shouted. "Fire safety is about sharing."

"Just remember stop, drop, and roll. Stop next to your friends, drop them with a swift fire kick, and roll around on them."

"This will spread the heat across many sources, quickly eliminating it."

"Uh... Elric?" Roy said once he realized that they were quickly being surrounded by the fire Envy had spread out. "We might have a... Slight problem."

"I believe you're right, Colonel."

"Well, its time to practice what we preached, Fullmetal. Lets get to panicking."

"On it!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"


	3. Chapter 3

**Fullmetal Parodies Chapter 3- Heart Broken Homunculus**

_Disclaimer- The following is a non-profit fanfiction. I do not own anything._

As a barrage of transmuted objects were hurled over him, a lone homunculus, Gluttony, cried in despair as he hid.

After a while, the barrage was stopped, and an alchemist with automail limbs, known as Edward Elric, walked over to him and crossed his arms. "Whats wrong with you, Gluttony?" he asked.

"What? Oh... Hey sacrifice... Nothings wrong."

"That's a load of crap and you know it. Me and Al have been attacking you for over 20 minutes. And not once have you ran away screaming, or tried to eat us."

Gluttony sighed.

"It's not like you."

"I'm sad..."

"Sad? Why?"

"It's just... Do you know what today is?"

"No idea. What day comes after yesterday?"

"Its Valentines Day!"

"It is?"

Al walked over to them. "Brother, whats going on?"

"Gluttony's in a depression."

"Brother, it's called a foxhole. I thought you would've learned all the military terms by now."

"No. I mean he's depressed."

Gluttony sighed again.

"See?"

"Sad? But I thought we were trying to destroy him. He can be sad when he's dead. Wait, homunculi have feelings?"

"Apparently he's upset because its Valentines Day."

Al looked at Ed with a confused look. "It's what?"

"Valentines Day. You know what it is, right? The day we celebrate love? And romance? You know... girls?"

"Oh yeah right! Duh, I totally know about that day. I celebrate that day all the time."

"You don't have to act like you knew about it before."

"But I did!"

"Then why did it take you so long to respond?"

"I just didn't hear what you said."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah!"

"Then what did you think I said?"

"Valentines... Doy?"

"Oh yeah. I can see how that would confuse you."

Gluttony started to cry again.

"Oh, come on Gluttony! Things will get better!"

"I'm all alone now..."

"Don't you have like six other siblings?"

"Lust was always my Valentine... Until that meanie Mustang killed her..."

"Why don't I believe that?"

"Its true! We had a tradition!"

_FLASHBACK_

_(Three years ago)_

"Hey, Lust!" Gluttony said as he ran over to her. "Happy Valentines-"

"Go away, Gluttony."

_(Two years ago)_

"Lust, will you be my-"

"Go away, Gluttony!"

_(One year ago)_

"Hey Lust! Nice weather today, right?"

"I guess..."

"We're gonna follow the sacrifices today!"

"I know..."

"Yeah, and todays the perfect day because today is-"

"GO AWAY, GLUTTONY!"

_END OF FLASHBACK_

"I miss her so much!"

"I don't think you should."

"She loved me!"

"Yeah... I have no idea why you think that."

"If she didn't love me, then why on every Valentines Day would she give me my own heart?"

"I thought homunculi hearts were philosopher's stones..."

"Al, this is a fanfic. Just roll with it. But yeah! She did give you your heart! After she ripped it out of your body! Don't you remember?"

"That must sting when regenerating."

"And now it feels like its been ripped out again but more symbolically this time unlike the regular way..."

"Would you feel better if we made fun of you and called you names?"

Gluttony's face lit up. "You would do that for me?"

"Of course, you big fat idiot!"

"Thanks guys." Gluttony wiped a few tears from his eyes. "You're the best sacrifices a homunculus could ask for..."

Mustang walked over to the brothers and the homunculus. "Why haven't you killed it yet?"

"Cause he's depressed."

"What? Why?"

"Its Valentine's day and he misses Lust."

Roy raised an eyebrow. "You idiots are aware that its September, right? Valentines Day isn't happening any time soon."

And to that, the Elrics and Gluttony both yelled at the same time, "WHAT!?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Fullmetal Parodies Chapter 4- Thanksgiving Madness**

_Disclaimer- The following is a non-profit fanfiction. I do not own anything._

_Author's Note- This is an AU universe. Only because Gluttony mentions a few things about his grandmother._

"Elrics," Mustang said to the boy and suit of armor while he stood in front of a table. "As I'm sure you know, today is a special day. Thanksgiving."

"It's what?" Ed asked.

"It's an American holiday that people celebrate by eating as much food as possible," Al explained.

"Oh... Awesome! When do we eat?"

"I thought that because this is an honored tradition, it would be appropriate to recreate the spirit of that original momentous day."

"Yeah, whatever. Can we get to eating? I'm starving here."

"Unfortunately, its been a very long time since the first Thanksgiving, so some of the little details were lost in history."

"Are you ever gonna shut up?"

"However, thanks to the power of the internet, I was able to read a bunch of historical documents on the holiday. Strangely all of them were authored by first-graders accompanied by some of their favorite foods eaten on Thanksgiving."

Mustang showed them what he had brought. And it was a very disturbing sight.

"Severed human hands that have been colored and dressed to look like birds!"

"What!?" Al exclaimed.

"I... I don't think I'm hungry anymore," Ed said

"For once, I'm glad I can't eat food. Mustang, people didn't eat hands! They ate turkey! Little kids just drew turkeys by tracing their fingers!"

"Where did he get the hands?"

"What? Why? Turkeys look nothing like hands!"

"Because their kids! I don't know, their teachers probably told them to do it!"

"Seriously, where did he get the hands?"

"Alphonse, that's completely ridiculous! Why would a teacher tell them that? Hand-shaped turkeys? It's no wonder we literacy wars!"

"Where did he get the hands!?"

"I bet all the other historical documents are wrong too!"

"You mean the online fifth-grade historians might be wrong? You might want to fact-check. What did they say?"

"Well, one of them said Thanksgiving was the day the soul reapers taught the saiyans how to grow crops."

"No. Not at all. Thanksgiving's the day the Settlers and Natives sat down at a table and shared a harvest meal together. That's why I took the liberty of inviting our mortal enemies, the homunculi, to sit down with us today."

"Hi, sacrifices!" Gluttony said, appearing out of nowhere.

"Or just one homunculus, since only Gluttony agreed to come."

Mustang smirked. "Excellent plan, Alphonse. Invite him to dinner, and make him explode. Classic holiday gotcha!"

"That is not the Thanksgiving spirit Mustang... Or at least not until a few years later."

"No exploding? Well, this is gonna be one boring Thanksgiving."

"We all brought dishes of our cultures. Mustang brought his creepy hand things..."

"Oh my gosh!" Gluttony said. "I love those things!"

"Brother brought..." He watched Ed place a few things down on the table. "Individually wrapped snack cakes?"

"Al, you never told me why we were going to Mustang's house today. You only told me to bring some food. So I brought the first thing I found in the cabinet."

"Uh... Ok." Al placed something that looked like corn on the table. "I brought maize if anyone was wondering."

"Awesome. Whats maize?"

"Its like corn..."

"Yes!"

"But completely inedible."

"Damn it! Wait, inedible means uneatable right?"

"Yes."

"Damn it!"

"And Gluttony brought..." Gluttony placed something down on the table. It looked like a pie with a mustache. "Um... Gluttony, what is that?"

Gluttony smiled. "I brought my grandmother's famous hair pie!"

"Wait, what!?"

"My Grandmother said her hair pie, was a huge hit with the soldiers, so I knew that it would be perfect for today."

"That's not- what!?"

"When she was in college, she would give it to all the soldiers returning from war, and they loved it! It made her the most popular girl in town! She never told me the recipe though, so I had to make some guesstimates."

Mustang sighed. "Gluttony, I think me and you need to have a chat about culinary arts... And a few other things you should already know about."

"Oh great! I love talking!" Mustang pulled Gluttony into aside to explain to him how weird what he just said was.

If Al had a mouth, he would have smiled. "Look at that. Two people who want to kill each other setting aside their differences for a day. That, brother, is the true Thanksgiving spirit."

"I think I'm gonna go lie down... And then vomit," Ed said.

"Ah, another big part of Thanksgiving! Way to go, brother!"

And they heard Mustang and Gluttony talking.

"Grandma!? No!"

"And don't even get me started on the gobble gobble."

**Happy thanksgiving, everyone!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Fullmetal Parodies Chapter 5- Holiday Plans Part 1**

_Disclaimer- The following is a non-profit fanfiction. I do not own anything._

_Author's Note- This part of the story is set in the anime-verse._

_"_Boys," Mustang said as he walked up to the Elric brothers. "I'm afraid I have some news for you two."

"What kind of news?" Al asked.

"Bad news."

"That's the worst kind!"

"Bad news?" Ed asked. "No, that's great! What is it?"

"What are you so excited about?"

"Bad news for the colonel is usually good news for us. Here are some examples." Ed cleared his throat and did his best impression of Mustang. "Bad news boys. We ran out of milk. Bad news Fullmetal. The pull-up bar broke. Bad news Elrics. Its raining so I'm useless today."

"Can it, Fullmetal!" Roy said. "I've never said that last part! And the only reason you hate the pull-up bar so much is because your so short that you can't even reach it!"

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY, YOU SON OF A-!"

"Brother!" Al said. "Calm down! Just let the colonel say what he wants to say!"

"Thank you, Alphonse," Roy said. "Now, as I'm sure both of you are aware of, the holiday season is quickly approaching!"

"It is?" Ed asked.

"Of course!"

"Which holiday?"

"What do you mean which one?" Al asked. "All of them! Its the end of the year!"

"It is?"

"Yes! How can you not know that!?"

"What do you mean? The sun hasn't set for four chapters! Who can even tell what time it is?"

"Have you forgotten about your pocket-watch?" Roy asked.

"That thing always says twelve o'clock. Why do you think I'm late to everything?"

"You're an idiot."

"And I think you're just trying to avoid the subject that ever since this fanfic started, the sun hasn't changed position! How come nobody ever wants to talk about this!?" He looked at the sun. "Look at it! It's not moving!"

"Fullmetal, shut up!"

"Hey, the meetings going slow! I'm just trying to move things along! "

"Move things along!? These meetings always take so long because you go off topic!"

"We have topics?"

_WITH THE HOMUNCULI_

"Man," Sloth said as she put the pair of binoculars she had down. "Those guys sure have a lot of staff meetings."

"Yeah," Gluttony said. "They're so lucky."

"What are they talking about down there?" Wrath asked.

"I think they're discussing plans for the holidays. And the short one just keeps staring at the sun for some reason."

"Oh man," Gluttony said. "That is the best. I love doing that!" Gluttony then started to stare at the sun.

"They're making holiday plans?"

"Yeah."

"We haven't discussed what we're doing yet, either. Should we have a party? Or a Secret Santa sort of thing?"

"Lets just agree not to get each other anything."

"Yeah, I'm cool with that."

_WITH THE ALCHEMISTS_

"Now," Mustang said. "Command has informed me that there's gonna be some mandatory holiday leave for our base."

"Vacation?"

"See, Al? I told you! His version of bad news is never bad news for us!"

"Not for you! For me!"

"Wait, you're going on vacation? What?"

"I know. I'm as disappointed as you are. Turns out I haven't used any of my accumulated vacation days, and Fuhrer Bradley has ordered me to use some of my saved up time."

"Oh, right, according to the military's policy, we get a few days of leave every six months. If we don't use them, they start to stockpile. How many do you have?"

"Seven. Hundred and eighty-nine."

"That would be over two years of straight vacation."

"How long have you been in the army?"

"They say if I don't use them I'll make everyone else in the military look bad. So I guess I have to take a couple days off next week."

"A couple? Yeah, that'll put a dent."

"I think that's a great idea. We should all take a vacation. We've been working pretty hard. We could all use a little downtime."

"Brother, you need to be working in Central for forty hours to qualify for vacation. We barely do anything besides look for the philosopher's stone anyways, so you shouldn't really care."

"I work forty hours."

"Per week."

"What!? That's crazy talk!"

"Well, Elrics. I'm off to the beach. Oh, and I almost forgot- heh heh. I got one piece of good news too."

"Oh no. Did you just say good news?"

"Yes. In order to help you two celebrate the holiday festivities, Command has decided to temporarily relocate you, to somewhere more... seasonal."

"What do you mean by seasonal?"

_ONE DAY LATER_

Ed and Al were now standing in Briggs.

"Well... Crap."

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	6. Chapter 6

**Fullmetal Parodies Chapter 6- Holiday Plans Part 2**

_Disclaimer- The following is a non-profit fanfiction. I do not own anything._

"Well, brother," Al said as he walked up to Ed. The two were currently in Fort Briggs. However, due to it being the holidays, and this being a fanfic, the fort was currently abandoned and the power had been shut down. "This base has no heater. No heater means no heat. And no heat means no life. We're gonna freeze to death. Well, I won't, but you will."

"Great," Ed responded sarcastically.

"We have fuel, but no igniter, so we can't start it! Fuhrer Bradley thought this would be festive? Ph, I guess he meant to say our funerals will be a nice family get-together. Hope Winry takes pictures."

"Al, I've been thinking 'bout that. Since this is the holidays, Command would have to let us off for religious purposes, right? I mean, if it came up."

"I guess that would make sense. But aren't we Atheists?"

"Well, that's the thing, see, I looked it up, to see which religion would give me the most days off?"

"I'm pretty sure that's not how you're supposed to determine your philosophical view of the universe."

"And I saw that a lot of religions do have holidays in December, but there isn't one that has more coverage than the others."

"Coverage?"

"So, I joined all of them."

"All of what?"

"All religions!"

"You joined every religion?"

"Yeah. I feel it A, sends a great message of tolerance and inclusion during this holiday season, and B, it means I get to take off all of December. Also most of next year, and all the years after."

"You can't join every religion, brother."

"Says who?"

"Say the religions! Its against their rules!"

"Well, that's the thing. The army doesn't say I have to be good at my religion, it just asks that I pick one. And I did! I picked all."

"Brother, that's offensive on both a spiritual and administrative level."

"Hey! That statement sounded a little intolerant to me!"

"Just help me get this panel off." Al walked up to the panel. "I need to check the heating coils."

"Can't. Day of rest."

"What?"

"Today's one of my day's of rest. Turns out I have six every week. Very convenient."

"Only six?"

"Yeah. Nobody covers Monday. Apparently it sucks universally."

"Well, guess what? Today is Monday."

"What? No it isn't."

"What does that calendar on the wall say?"

Ed read the calendar. "Darn it! I hate Mondays!"

"Hey, Elrics!" an angry voice screamed. "Are you in there!?"

"What was that?"

Al walked over to the window and opened it. "Oh no! Its the Homunculi! How did they get here!?"

"We got here because of you idiots!" Sloth yelled. "Because you got transferred, we had to follow you! And now I'm quite literally turning into an ice-cube, so thanks!"

"Oh really? Well, that sounds bad. Sorry about that." He looked at Ed and began to whisper. "Brother. Start transmuting as many things as you can."

"Sorry Al. Violence and alchemy are against 85% of my belief systems."

"ED!"

"We can here you in there!" Sloth yelled.

"Just go away! Go back to your own base or whatever!"

"Our base is back where it isn't freezing!" Wrath yelled.

"You don't like the cold? Whats the matter? No holiday spirit?"

"You know, often the journey to enlightenment is a treacherous path, frought with hardship and-"

"Brother, you aren't helping."

"We're stuck here because of you idiots! And because your base is most likely like our new one, we're gonna freeze to death!"

"Yeah, well... Wait, your heat doesn't work also? I mean either? I mean... Yours. Your heat doesn't work?"

"Yeah!" Gluttony said. "We don't have any fuel to run it!"

"Er... What he's trying to say is that it works fine... Does yours?"

"Uh... Yes! Maybe! Go away!"

"Al, how can you be so heartless to turn away the needy, this holiday season?"

"Brother, please shut up."

"But they're cold. And hungry."

"Well, we don't have any food or heat, so they'll have to deal with it."

"We heard that!"

"Darn it!"

"I also don't recall ever saying we were hungry. But since your offering, what do ya got?"

"Screw it, lets just attack."

**TO BE CONCLUDED...**


	7. Chapter 7

**Fullmetal Parodies Chapter 7- Holiday Plans Part 3**

_Disclaimer- The following is a non-profit fanfiction. I do not own anything._

Roy Mustang laid down on a chair, still in his military uniform. "Ah... This is the life."

"Excuse me, sir?" someone said as he walked up to him. "I have an urgent phone call for you."

"Phone call? For me? You sure?"

"Fairly. There was quite a bit of panicked screaming."

Roy sighed. "Alright. I'll be right there."

_AT BRIGGS_

The homunculi were throwing projectiles at Fort Briggs. Wrath threw objects he transmuted. Sloth threw giant shards of ice. And Gluttony... Gluttony was throwing snowballs.

"They just blew up our car!" Ed said to his brother. "Wait, it looks ok, actually!"

**KABOOM!**

"Ok, that one got it!"

"When the colonel answers, let me do the talking!" Al said as looked down at the iPhone in his hands. Why do they have iPhones, you ask? Just because. He was currently trying to FaceTime Mustang.

"Man, that burning car looks really warm."

"...Don't even think about it."

"Hey!" Roy said as he appeared on the screen. "Whats all this about a burning car!? I thought I told you not to burn the equipment!"

"Oh, hey colonel! Sorry to bother you during your vacation."

"Don't be, Alphonse. Nothing to do around here but sunbathe."

"You were sunbathing in your uniform? That doesn't make any sense."

"Still, maybe command was correct to send me here. Feels good to get some R and R. And R."

"What the third R for?"

"Reporting! Paperwork is the backbone of any good relaxation period."

**KABOOM!**

"Incoming!"

"Brother, I told you! You have to say that before the projectiles hit us!"

"What the hell is going on over there?"

"Command moved us to a base with no heat, and the Homunculi are attacking us because they were moved with us. Also, brother has joined every religion so he can get more vacation days!"

"I knew we should've removed that 'all of the above' checkbox from the enlistment form!"

"Too late!"

"Damn it!"

"Now he's incapable of helping in any way possible!"

**KABOOM!**

"Incoming!"

"Darn it!"

"Alphonse, your in charge right now!" Roy said. "You need to take control!"

"How!?"

"Holiday spirit, of course!"

"What!?"

"Don't you remember the classic holiday stories? What you wanna do is this: first, you build a big wooden baby savior. Then you and Fullmetal hide in it, and place it outside the gates of the Homunculi's hideout. When the Homunculi take it inside their facility, you detonate that baby with a thirty ton tactical nuke, and wipe them from existence! It's a classic holiday tale."

"Colonel, I'm pretty sure you're getting your stories mixed up. I was thinking of a more peaceful solution."

"Peaceful? I don't like the sound of that. You know what they say. You can't spell surrender, without P-E-A-C-E."

"What? Yes you can!"

"Can you?"

"Yeah, there isn't even a P in surrender."

"CAN YOU!?"

Al sighed. "No, sir."

"That's the holiday spirit! Now get to nukin'. I gotta go, there's a pie eating contest starting at 09:00. See you guys when I get back. Bye bye!" He hung up.

"Well, looks like we're on our own."

"Do you want me to try to convert them to my religions?"

"No. I was thinking of a more... Peaceful solution."

Al went outside. "Hey, guys! Hey, come on! Cease fire, hold on a sec!"

The homunculi stopped throwing things. "Yeah, what do you want?" Wrath asked.

"Listen guys, I know fighting is what we do, but I it's the holidays. Do we really need to be fighting during the time of year when people all around the world are coming together in the spirit of brotherhood and good will?"

"Actually, we're only fighting you to keep warm! We fear if we stop we'll die of hypothermia!"

"We're afraid of freezing too! So why don't we agree, just for a day, to set aside our differences in celebration of the season? Can we do that? Just this once?"

A shovel hit Al's metallic torso.

"Hey! What the-!?"

"Sorry! I literally just transmuted that! It seemed dumb to not use it! But yeah, we're down with the peace and brotherhood whatever thing!"

_LATER_

The Elrics and the Homunculi sat around a fire in a cave. "See? This is what happens when we work together. Nobody dies."

"You know what, Al? I'm gonna go back to being an Atheist. I'm gonna need to do alchemy and combat if we are going to find the philosopher's stone."

"Sounds good to me, brother. Hey, can you guys do us a favor and not tell the colonel about this?"

Wrath smiled. "Don't worry. We know that guy is nuts."

"Yeah..." Gluttony said. "We've had some pretty crazy times fighting you guys over the years."

"Yeah, you said it. Remember when we first met Wrath on that abandoned island?"

"Oh, or what about that time you took down that crazy priest in Liore?"

"Ha, ha. Good times."

"Sometimes I have trouble talking to girls," Gluttony said.

"Uh... Gluttony, this isn't that kind of chat by the fire. We're doing something a little different."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"So... What about that time you broke into laboratory five?"

"Oh, yeah! I think that was the first time we met Gluttony face-to-face. Envy and Lust were also there. Why aren't they here with you three?"

"I was never really close to my dad. He worked a lot."

"Gluttony, you don't have to talk. It isn't required."

"Oh, good."

"Happy holidays, buddy."

"You too."

**And happy holidays to you as well, my beloved viewers!**


End file.
